Imagine being part of a pioneer family living on the frontier during the early part of the nineteenth century. Life was tough, but you were tougher. By the time you turned fifteen you had a small plot of land and the know-how to make that land a home. You were young, but you found the perfect partner and got married three months before your sixteenth birthday. Is that marriage morally wrong?
Would it have been morally wrong for a twelve-year-old girl to be left alone with her younger siblings for a weekend during that time? Is it morally wrong today for older children in large families to help care for younger ones? These are thought-provoking questions, and they should be.
My goal here is not to encourage minors to get married, but rather, to get parents thinking about their goals for their own kids. If teens in the past were able to work hard, prepare food, wash clothes, and yes, even get married and start families, why can’t kids today be raised with that goal in mind? Why can’t kids be mature enough at fourteen and fifteen to function as adults? They did it in the past. What happened?
By now, you are probably saying something like, “That was then, this is now,” and I agree that it is a different time with different challenges, but the question is still fair. Why can’t we, as parents, aim for our kids to be mature, perhaps even sooner than society says we should? Is it morally wrong for a parent to desire maturity for their kids?
I’m not saying that we should rob children of their childhood. I am, however, suggesting that the idea of immature adolescence is somewhat new, and perhaps even damaging to society. Could immature adolescence be reduced if parents begin to view their jobs not as raising children, but as raising adults?
Your goal as a parent probably isn’t to get your minor children married off long before their eighteenth birthdays, but what’s wrong with raising a child who is ready for marriage at a young age even if the actual wedding date and potential spouse are still years off? What’s wrong with teaching your children that you can transition from childhood to adulthood without an in-between period of juvenile adolescence?
There’s no formula for this. Children mature at different rates, even within the same family. Sometimes things are outside the control of the parent. Sometimes kids let us down, despite our best efforts. What is controllable, however, is the mindset of the parent. Parents can desire maturity for their children. They can make decisions and have conversations that support their children as they transition from child to adult. They can let their kids know that immature adolescence isn’t an excuse for poor behavior.
The job of a parent is never done and there’s no magical formula, but imagine a world where parents are intentional, not about raising kids, but about raising adults.
As my wife and I work our way through raising eight children, I can think of three key things we have done to encourage our kids toward adulthood. First, and foremost, we have taught them that a personal relationship with Jesus is the best foundation for life. We’ve tried our best to model this in our own lives. For our family, church is a priority and forming relationships with others in the church, regardless of age, is a critical part of living the Christian life.
Secondly, we have given our kids opportunities to grow up. We have seen over and over again that, by giving them the chance to act maturely, our kids inevitably rise to the occasion. The key is to start young. Treat them in a manner consistent with where you want them to be, not where they are.
The third element has been saying yes to our teens. We can’t say yes to everything, but before saying no, ask yourself why you are saying no. Is it because you think society would want you to deny your teen’s request or is it because their idea is actually dangerous? If you want to raise adults, you have to start treating your young teens as adults. That means gradually letting go and you can’t let go if you always say no.
I’m sure there are hundreds of other ideas out there for how we can trust our kids and encourage them to mature more quickly. Feel free to drop those ideas in the comments. Share what has worked for you as you have endeavored to raise adults.
Leave a Comment