I am the oldest of five. My mom named me Cara, and rhymed her next two with me, both girls, Sarah and Tara. It was just the three of us for a while and we thoroughly enjoyed everything girly – barbie dolls, playing house, riding our pink and purple bicycles, doing our hair and playing dress up with mom’s high heels of course. We choreographed dances and practiced our gymnastics skills together. No one told us how to play or what to do with our free time as my mom did the homeschooling. We were each other ‘s best friends and I recall we had wonderful friends from our homeschool group and in our church. We were all so like minded and loved to express ourselves through creative play.
One of my best friends in those days lived close by and when we got together we dressed up in our finest costumes. High heels, hats and all – we always had a baby in our arms, wrapped in a baby blanket. And whether we were outside at the park or inside the house we loved to play homemaker. My sisters and friends and our make believe time were a beautiful and fun part of my life as a child.
When I was about eight years old, a neighbor friend came to spend the night. Naturally, we were playing house and she said she wanted to play the husband. This was a first but I didn’t think much of it. When it was time to go to bed she reached over and touched my chest and said it was practice for when we were married. I made her stop, and immediately felt like I had done something wrong. There was also another time when a friend thought I was asleep at a slumber party and touched me. Both times I was touched inappropriately were by young girls and I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone. Eventually I stopped playing or seeing the neighbor friend. She moved away soon after and I never saw her again.
No More Secrets
I also remembered times my sister and I touched each other out of curiosity and it haunted me even though we were so young. The memories were stuck in my mind. Then, I began to touch myself secretly only to feel shame and embarrassment. I started blaming my hurt on the neighbor girl who moved away – which eventually turned into hating her and myself. I yearned to share my hurts with my mom or talk to someone because the guilt I felt inside weighed on me heavily. One day, as a high schooler, I sat crying on our living room couch burdened by my “secret sins”. I asked God to prompt my mom to walk over and ask me if everything was ok because I couldn’t muster up the courage myself. Then amazingly, she walked over and asked me what was wrong! I opened up and poured everything out while she held me close. Then she was able to share her own similar stories of her childhood. We both prayed together and I released all my worries in this area to Jesus. I can truly say I forgave and was forgiven that day. Feelings of hate finally left me and I felt released from my prison of secrets.
God is my Strength
When my friends and I were finally noticing boys it was around the time of high school church youth group. We loved the worship music and dressing up for our church formals. I also had the opportunity within our youth group to be part of a smaller team who shared the gospel through performing skits or talking with others. As part of the “purity culture” of the time one of the rules was no boyfriends or girlfriends. For me, it was an easy sacrifice. My parents didn’t want me to have a boyfriend until later anyway and at the time, around 15 yrs old, I wasn’t interested in any particular boy. So, I enjoyed the drama team and meeting new friends. We hung out in groups and were free to enjoy each other ‘s friendship without the stress of dating. It was another beautiful time for me as a young woman. I was focusing on my art, learning more about God and helping with my now two little brothers. Occasionally, I experienced feelings of shame and recall other sexual temptations during this time, but I leaned on God for strength and He helped me to remain strong and focused on purity before Him in this area.
Provide a Safe Place
After marriage, my husband and I were able to talk about our childhood sexual encounters. He shared about his similar experiences and we thought about how we could hopefully help our future children to avoid feeling alone or not understood. We wanted to provide a safe place for them to share anything if needed.
One technique we’ve used is asking our children more direct questions and setting aside time to allow them to share their hearts with us. For example, when my oldest was about to turn eight, while driving with her, I explained the importance of confessing our sins one to another and that God had given her parents who were there for her and willing to talk about anything. I casually shared how secrets can eat us up inside. She opened up her heart and we prayed about anxiety she was experiencing sometimes before bedtime. She began to confess everything she could remember – a lie here to get her brother in trouble or other such wrongdoing that made me smile because I knew she was sincerely sorry. It was a precious time sharing our hearts and praying together. Eight years old for her turned out to be an age of accountability and understanding of sin, right and wrong, and shame.
Open Conversations
Before I had computer password protections one of my children viewed a pornographic clip. they wished they hadn’t seen it and their frustration developed into arguments with their siblings and lashing out unreasonably. I knew something wasn’t right and they eventually did confess to their sister and asked for me. I spoke with them and calmly reminded them they were safe to share anything with me. We spent the time talking about sex and the beauty of marriage and our bodies, how we were created and that we were meant to honor God with our bodies. We talked about temptation and the gift of accountability. They told me they struggled at first with the curiosity wanting to see it then the guilt and anger that they did. I shared my stories with them and that no matter what “sin” or secret we let eat at us it is not worth holding onto alone. It took months of praying and tears before what they saw did not haunt them. We did share a video series with all our older children on the effects of pornography and people who become addicted to it. We had some great discussions about sex trafficking, addictions, prayer, accountability, and what the Bible says about love, sexuality, and marriage.
Although I may not be able to shield my children from every evil or temptation in this world. I ask questions, pray with them, and listen to them. I truly believe freedom from stuffed hurts and secrets allows our minds to be able to love, create, and forgive more easily.
Truth Will Set You Free
I often have to practice what I preach. Sometimes, when I am frustrated or holding in worry the whole house perceives something is wrong before I am ready to deal with my feelings. That is when the truth of the Bible and praying for understanding is so important. It’s usually only after seeking God I am able to go to my family for forgiveness of my attitude and actions. I have learned there is nothing to gain by faking everything is okay. I end up suffering and my children simply learn how to be a hypocrite! Raising ten children continues to humble me, bless me, and make me turn to God for strength and council. I don’t have time for wallowing in shame, guilt or self-pity, but when I struggle with any of these I know I have a forgiving God who teaches me how to love. I truly believe love is found in forgiveness and sharing the convictions of our heart with our children and being comfortable to say I am sorry. I pray this leads my children to see what love is and know I am always here for them no matter the situation. I believe the Bible when it says “The Truth Will Set You Free!”
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