Pregnant, Me?
It is humorous to think about now, but I once thought God wanted to keep me single. I must have expected He had a plan to remove the deep yearning in my heart and body to partner with a loving man. I longed to be touched, held, and caressed. In fact, my favorite gift from my husband now, is without question, a full body massage. After I was first surprised to meet my soulmate so young, I was surprised again to become pregnant so soon after we were married. And it wasn’t that I was opposed to children, I just had always imagined helping in an orphanage and being a missionary or something – mainly I was scared to have the responsibility for children of my own. What if they got sick, or hurt, or I couldn’t help them? I reasoned the intense love that I had for babies wasn’t for me personally. Sadly, I had mixed emotions when we found out we were pregnant one cycle after we were married.
Growing Together
Regardless of how I took the initial news, the following months of our new marriage were a beautiful time growing together with my husband in deeper and special ways. I remember how he stopped playing a tennis game once, when I came to watch, even with his friend making fun of him, to find me a chair as soon as he saw me. He put our relationship first. We had so much to learn about birth, parenting, and marriage, but I will never forget how special he made me feel. His love for Jesus was shining through as he showed love to me everyday.
Living by Faith
We didn’t plan for more but prayed after each child for God’s guidance. I grew up with a larger family and was open to a few more children at this point. We had not set a number for our family but decided to pray about what to do after the newborn stage. We didn’t want to make any permanent decision based on emotion or how tired we were. So when our babies were about a year old we would pray and each time I sensed in my heart we shouldn’t stop purposely. We read the scriptures like, “Be fruitful and multiply”, or “trust in the Lord with all your heart”, or “children are a blessing from the Lord.” The Bible made it clear for us each time, like Habakkuk 2:4 says, “the righteous shall live by faith.”
Scared and Frustrated
I’d like to say I committed my womb to the Lord and determined I would have as many babies as He had to give me right from the beginning, but as I mentioned before, I didn’t. Instead, I prayed every time – maybe because people around always asked if I was done and for a while I replied with, “God knows.” It wasn’t until after seven children that I was finally open to accept all the babies God had for us. But, during pregnancy eight my umbilical hernia was bothering me, along with varicose veins, and sleepless nights. I wasn’t at my normal pre-baby weight when we conceived which contributed to some of the struggles and I dealt with extreme migraines a few days after delivery. The thought of another pregnancy at this point was making me scared and frustrated.
Empowered Delivery
I named my ninth baby Meadow after reading Psalm 23: when God says he leads us to green meadows or pastures, and beside still waters. I pleaded for this delivery to be a calm experience compared to the last labor where I was sick with Covid and practically coughed my baby out, to go along with a miserable fever, the day before his arrival. I prayed for a smooth delivery, and peace of mind and heart. God blessed me with the quickest and most empowering delivery yet for number nine!! You can read more about how I have delivered my babies here.
Preparing in my 40’s
So now what? Could I do this again? I will be reaching 40 yrs old. What about my body? Stephen and I knew I needed to act to help myself in case we became pregnant again. We had to face our fears and came to a point where we knew God loved us even if we chose to stop having children at this point. I felt relieved for the first time, no more labor, no more changing shape. I thought this was what I wanted, but I started pulling away from my husband and his love. I was beginning to reject him without realizing it until one day I broke down in his arms. I knew God had more children for us but I wanted to be ready. It was not easy but my husband became my exercise coach, we got in shape together. I had a few miscarriages even though we were trying the best we could to wait to get pregnant. During those times I gave a lot of my fears of pregnancy, and trust over to God. Then after completing a 90 day workout program we conceived again! I am probably stronger and in better shape than ever before.
I also started working more closely with my gut health and nutritional deficiencies. I am now in my second trimester at this point and filled with love, joy, and a peace I know God has given me.
Faith and Trust
I know very clearly my salvation or self worth does not depend on how many children I have. Jesus provided for my salvation alone, and He alone establishes our true value. I remember at one point when I thought if I just had more babies maybe I wont have cancer or lose a child or suffer in any other way. I thought maybe this is what it means to be saved through childbearing. I know now that Gods love and wrath are not related to how much I do for Him. After I gave this over to God I found myself rejoicing in this pregnancy because I see it as a gift and not a religious duty or sacrifice. To Obey is better then sacrifice God says and what does it matter if I have 15 children adopt 8 and work with orphans if I am doing this begrudgingly in fear over love. Do all things unto the Lord and not unto man God loves us and values us regardless of how many children we are able to raise. We are simply called to trust and remain faithful to Him.
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